I used the same excuses, too

1433562936_1433527179_jill-jessa-duggar-zoomWatching Jill and Jessa Duggar talk about the abuse they suffered from their brother on Fox News reminded me of someone I knew from college. “Jane” had told me that the guy I went on a date with the previous weekend raped her at a party. At least, she thought he raped her, but wasn’t entirely sure. She remembered being drunk. She remembered that he was drinking, too. There was a gap of time missing from that night, and when she woke up to find the guy on top of her, she wondered if she just didn’t remember consenting.

The entire story hinged on what she remembered, because the guy certainly denied it when I confronted him, furious. When Jane found out I accused the guy, she turned on me and told me I was making too big a deal out of it, which confused me greatly. Wasn’t she a victim? If so, why was she acting like what happened to her wasn’t a big deal? Worse, why was she suddenly changing her tune and defending the guy?

That was enough for me to believe that she lied about the whole thing – out of jealousy, as a plea for attention, who knew. What I know now that I didn’t back then is how much pressure a victim might be under to defend her attacker. In Jill and Jessa’s situation, the reputation of their family depends on their defense of their brother Josh. For Jane, I probably made things worse for her by confronting that guy. I forced her to deal with something she wasn’t ready for, and she probably told me what happened under the assumption that it was meant to stay between us – I violated that confidentiality. I acted no better than In Touch Magazine by blabbing someone’s private business, wreaking havoc on Jane and the friends she shared with him.

Not surprisingly, she never spoke to me again.

A few years later, I understood better than I wanted to why someone would defend a rapist. To this day, even, I defend him in my head by entertaining the thought that he too was unaware of what he was doing. Maybe some signals got crossed, and I didn’t make my intentions clear enough. Maybe he didn’t hear me. Maybe this, maybe that. But he never showed a shred of remorse for hurting me, for violating my trust, and putting his needs so far ahead of mine that my dignity ceased to matter. I go back and forth between wanting my privacy and fearing the consequences of going forward, and wanting to shout the truth from the rooftops because I am so angry that he will never receive justice. And he could be out there doing it again to somebody else.

His last words to me were by phone, and they were “I can’t change what happened, what do you want from me?” My last words to him were “You’re dead to me” before hanging up. Listening to Jill and Jessa say they forgave their brother a long time ago just wrenched me. I don’t know if they truly forgive him, or if their extremist environment demands that they do. For their sakes, I hope it was their choice, but given their background, it probably wasn’t.

Even worse, they never used the specific word “rape” or “molestation” once throughout the whole interview. They used “inappropriate touch” and “curiosity” instead, again perhaps due to coaching from their family. From the abuser himself. It’s easy when that’s all you know. It’s easy when that person manipulating you is someone you’re supposed to trust.

Truthfully, I find it very unlikely that an abuser can stop abusing without legal and psychological intervention, if they ever stop at all. The Christian concepts of grace and reconciliation go out the window for me when it comes to dealing with rape. But as Jill said, “Only the victim can tell their story.” She is right about that. I can only hope that the Duggar girls – and Jane, too – can tell the story they know to be true, not a sanitized version they are pressured to believe instead.


4 thoughts on “I used the same excuses, too

  1. I think there needs to be at least some caution from every side when dealing with issues this complicated. A big part of the Duggars situation, and situations like it, us that they live in a world where sex has exactly one clearly drawn line, and anything beyond that is grouped together as sin. Where rape, masterbation, and homosexuality are all more or less equal. Sex and sexuality are complicated, and to pretend otherwise can lead to deep emotional hurt.

    But that goes both ways. To draw a thick line saying “THIS IS WHAT SEX ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE AND ANYTHING THAT ISN’T 100% SOBER SPOKEN FREE CONSENT IS RAPE” is an over simplification of what sexuality is. I don’t know many details of any of the stories you talk about in this post, but it’s still dangerous and harmful when we decide that drunkenly sleeping with someone or being ambiguous about intentions, is as bad as physically or emotionally manipulating someone into sex.


    • It’s an oversimplification to say that you shouldn’t ever touch someone’s body without their permission? Teaching consent is the very basis of a healthy understanding of sexuality. There is no scale of trauma from groping to forced intercourse; when someone has an intent to do something without regard for another’s personal space or their permission, that person needs to be stopped. Ask yourself how you’d feel if you woke up to find someone touching you inappropriately. You might feel a little differently about your approach here.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This hits so, so close to home. I too defended my rapist, there were three in all but there was one in particular i defended for a while when I was a teenager, because he showed SOME hesitation before hurting me. I was confused & tried to make myself believe that that somehow erased what he did. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your life experiences, I know it’s made a positive impact on me & taught me so much- I always look forward to reading your tweets, & now that I’m back on WordPress I look forward to reading more of your posts on here too. I’m always here if you want to talk, & you are in my prayers 🙂 God bless you!
    With Love,


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s