There was a beautiful double rainbow the afternoon we first saw our baby’s flickering heartbeat. We found out we were expecting again the same week that Hope Elizabeth was supposed to be due. I started the second trimester on my birthday- could not have asked for a better gift.
It’s strange to hold grief and joy together. The last few months have felt like emotional whiplash (and nausea). Pregnancy after loss has not been the joy-filled experience I expected it to be. Miscarriage steals joy, and I’ve felt guilty for feeling more scared than grateful.
We are beyond thrilled, make no mistake. But it’s a rather tempered happiness. I always knew that miscarriage was common, but no one told me about miscarriage trauma.
No one told me how the joy of a new pregnancy doesn’t erase the pain from the one that didn’t last to term.
It’s been anxiety, not joy, that has ruled over me, taken up space in my heart, nearly ruined every milestone: hearing the heartbeat for the first time, seeing my baby sucking her thumb on ultrasound…I’ve found that I just don’t know how to process happiness as deeply as grief. I had a panic attack at my first ultrasound, almost to the point that I couldn’t go through with it. I’ve sobbed in my car before every appointment since. And when the news has been good, I leave thinking, “Huh? What?”
At 15 weeks, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You know what’s also weird? Missing Hope Elizabeth with every fiber of my being, while also falling in love with her sister…who wouldn’t exist if Hope hadn’t passed away. How does a mother process that?
I also struggled to balance two contradictory wishes: to tell everyone who had been praying for us this year that we were expecting again, because life is precious and worth celebrating, while also not wanting to tell anyone, just in case the worst happened again.
As recently as August, I was still having to tell people at the skating rink that I lost my baby, because there I was skating during what should have been my 3rd trimester, and I definitely didn’t look like it, and I could feel the awkward stares. I have zero judgment for the loss moms who wait until the 12-week mark to share…or after birth.
At the end of the day, only the peace of Christ that surpasses human understanding will suffice. I knew, deep down, that Josh and I would be okay, with or without a child. God has still been so ridiculously good to us. Our marriage has only strengthened with every hardship we faced.
All that to say…we are so grateful and looking forward to meeting our baby GIRL this spring. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!