Two years ago at this time, I was joyfully expecting my first baby. What I didn’t know, and wouldn’t until mid-March, was that my baby girl passed away in my womb, near the end of the first trimester. When I thought I was growing life, my womb carried a corpse instead. It was, and remains,… Continue reading The cultural gaslighting of moms who miscarry
Tag: pregnancy loss
“Is this your first?”
Now that I’m more than halfway through pregnancy, I get semi-frequent questions from strangers, starting with: “Is this your first?” It’s a hard question for me. I’d almost rather be asked about breastfeeding or vaccines or other controversial parenting decisions. There’s a distinction in my response to this question, which most people don’t clarify. Lord… Continue reading “Is this your first?”
Here comes the sun
There was a beautiful double rainbow the afternoon we first saw our baby’s flickering heartbeat. We found out we were expecting again the same week that Hope Elizabeth was supposed to be due. I started the second trimester on my birthday- could not have asked for a better gift. It’s strange to hold grief and… Continue reading Here comes the sun
The annoyingly non-linear process of grief
“It won’t always be like this.” I’ve said that to myself, and heard it said to me many times before. But sometimes the recovery feels worse than the impact. It’s something I’ve found to be true in figure skating when learning a new trick that lands me square on my butt, and in life when… Continue reading The annoyingly non-linear process of grief
On waiting well
I’ve been married nearly a decade, but still vividly remember being single all through college. I remember having one friend after another pair off, wondering when it would be my turn. I heaped so much shame on myself for not being able to find satisfaction in God alone. Everyone at Bible Study told me that’s… Continue reading On waiting well
Validating early motherhood
Josh and I were divided about when to tell our friends and family about the baby. He wanted to wait until the socially accepted 12-week mark, when the likelihood of miscarriage is reduced. I struggle with anxiety, so I more than understood that precaution. When to tell is a personal decision each family must decide… Continue reading Validating early motherhood
What Mary offers grieving mothers
For most of my Christian life, Holy Week and Good Friday have been emotionally difficult. It’s a season that brings up old memories of being called a “Christ killer” by the mother of a childhood friend. Hearing Gospel passages of the Jewish people demanding Christ’s death has always made me extremely uncomfortable. That’s still the… Continue reading What Mary offers grieving mothers
Grief is the currency of love
There are a few clubs I’ve been forced to join against my will: The fatherless daughters club. The sexual assault survivors club. And now, the miscarriage club. *** When my depression and trauma were at their worst, I actually felt angry with my parents for trying so hard to have me. I’m the fourth child… Continue reading Grief is the currency of love
I had a daughter
Josh was far more optimistic than I was about trying for a baby. Doctors had told me a while ago that, due to prior health issues, the odds of conceiving were not in my favor. I went into this next venture fully convinced it would never happen. Imagine the depth of my shock and joy… Continue reading I had a daughter